Monday, December 5, 2011

December 5, 2011

Well, here it is, the end of Monday, December 5.  Yep, again, the heaviness and sadness has been with me, nearly all day long.  Don't know what to make of this.  I'm wondering if its just the idea that I'm so fat and ugly that I can't get myself to get away from that thought.  I just don't feel good in the skin I'm in.  Wish I were different.  Guess I have to figure out how to make that different and better.

Today I got up and fixed breakfast, yep, eggs and toast, went and did my chores, came in and started laundry and then got ready to go to work.  I fixed lunch so it would be ready for Ross and then I ate some of it later and ended up with a firey case of heartburn, which still is hanging on tonight.  UGGG.  I am sleepy tonight so maybe I'll get a good night's rest.  I'm going to head in here shortly.  I want to get up in the morning and bake some banana bread or cupcakes or something.  I have a TON of bananas that are nearly rotten, so they should make wonderful breads of some sort.  I'll look about that before I go to bed and make the decision.  I have PLENTY of flour!  LOL  The other day we had a sale come up for flour at 69 cents for a 5 pound bag!  The catch?  You had to buy 10 bags.  Well, that's not a problem here!  We bought 32 bags, (they are packaged as 8 bags in a bale), so we bought 4 bales of flour and now that it is really cold weather, we are using it for ballast in the back of the van!  LOL  Really comes in handy.  Wish they would have a sale for sugar like that!  LOL  We also got a good deal on butter at $1.88 a pound, normally over $3.00 a pound, so 12 pounds of that found its way home!

Some things like that make me feel pretty good about out ability to save some money.  Well, not much really to write about tonight, so I'm going to head to bed and see if I can sleep!


Sunday, December 4, 2011


Well, this is really just a bit of a journal.  If you want to follow me, I'm fine with that.  Please don't expect any world crashing, or life changing events here.  Also, please, I'd really rather not engage in any discussions about whether or not I'm right or you're right or who else might be right.  I'm going to just take the attitude that I can write here whatever I want to write, get things off my mind and chest, and really don't want any feedback for it.  I'm just going to put my day on here, just so I can have a record and look back and see what I did that day or what I just enjoyed or whatever emotion happens to reign that day.  So if you are following this and want to read about it, here we go!

Yesterday we got about 8 inches of snow.  I guess really I need to back up to Friday night.  I was working when I got a call asking me to sing for a grave side service on Saturday morning.  I agreed to do it, which I am doing some of those things now, funerals, grave side services, weddings, wherever I am needed to sign and it brings me in a little extra cash.  Well, we got up Saturday morning and got to the cemetary and I sang and then we drove to Sac City to pick up some critter food.  By the time we got home we had 3 inches at least of snow on the ground.  By last night we had received 8 inches of snow.  It was bad enough that we decided not to have church today, several folks from the church weren't going to be there anyway, and it would have left maybe 5 of us at the church, and we figured we would better serve the Lord by staying in and off the highway and serving another day.

So, I slept in this morning.  Yep, it was nearly 9 a.m. when I got up, actually I think it was just past 9 a.m.  I got up the same as usual.  There is always, anymore, a sadness in my background for each day.  I have noticed this more and more over the past year.  Its a heaviness, an ache that I cannot identify.  I just can't quite put my finger on the exact cause.  Oh well, its there.

I had my morning cup of coffee, and then fixed breakfast.  It was the usual, eggs and toast.  Ross and I sat and talked about where we things are going for our future.  We have some wonderful plans, but with him at 73 and me at 52, I'm not sure we have enough time left to make those plans come to fruition.  Maybe that's part of the heaviness/sadness I feel.  Too much of life has passed.  Well, anyway, then I headed out to do chores.  I feed 2 horses, 11 goats, 9 geese, a host of chickens, ducks, turkeys, quails and rabbits.  The fresh snow on the ground crunched with each step I took, and there was a quietness over the farm; a peacefulness that settles right down into my heart and soul.  The only animals that knew I was out and about were a dozen or so farm cats, and my wonderfully faithful German Shepher, Heidi.  She's my constant companion when we are outside, and she makes me laugh with her antics.  At 12, she loves to roll in the snow, and she thinks she is small enough to hide in the snow.  She pushes her nose down into the snow and pushes herself along like that for a bit until she assumes her entire body is covered and then she waits for one of the cats to come over and just when they get there, she BARKS!  LOLOLOL  Just makes me laugh right out loud.

Walking in the quiet and peacefulness of this farm and watching animal antics is the most wonderful thing I know of in my life.  I'm not saying I enjoy all the work that chores cause, because that part of it is hard, heavy, and takes a lot of time, but the time spent with the animals is what is precious to me.  I have no children, but I'm certain that if I did, I would have them outside playing all day, and I'd be right there with them!

Walking among my goats is the most wonderful thing I know of.  Each of them has a distinctive personality, and a very distinctive voice.  I have some that want to walk right against my legs, others that want to stay completely on the other side of the building, but they still want you to let them know that you see them too!

All of the animals fed, I headed back for the house, and determined to make my husband happy!  I baked a pan of chocolate chip cookie bars.  He had mentioned earlier that this would be a great day to bake cookies.  LOL, well, he got bars.  He's happy!  LOL

I have been on worker's compensation lately and can't put in nearly as many hours as I used to and so I thought since today is the first day of the next pay period, I would try to get a jump start on it and try to put in a few hours.  I'm going to be taking Thursday and Friday of this week off for a conference we will be holding at our church, and for which I have to cook a turkey, sweet potatoe casserole, pumpkin pie, coconut cream pie, and homemade rolls.  I'm very much looking forward to doing that cooking, but I'm definitely going to be taking the days off to do it, so I'll be missing some money I badly need.

Just finished checking the work load at work, and I cannot work as there is not enough work for everyone right now, so it will just be my loss.  Now, I'm doing my blog here and then I'm going out and fix supper.  We are having baked potatoes with cheese and beans (I made a pot of beans and some cornbread on Friday), so we'll have some more of the beans over our potatoes and some cookie bars for dessert!

I think that's about all I have to write for today.  Not sure I will be on here every day, but I'm going to write as much as I can.  I'm hoping I can find an answer to this heaviness/sadness problem, and fix it.  Who knows.